A Defense of the Undefendable

It's becoming clear to me that people are really curious to know what one might do with a degree in literature/English/anything artistic. I have to believe it's merely curiosity, otherwise I'd have to believe that people are rude and ignornant.

Just the other day I met some random person, who asked me about my major. When I told him, his response was, "Oh, so you're just an Enlgish major."

Just an English major?!?!?!?!  Just! You gotta be freaking kidding me!

Even though I'm "just" an English major, I'd like to point out the following things.

I can...

Blow your mind with complex philosophical paradigms, including those of Marx, Lacan, Foucault, and Beauvoir.

Read and comprehend a piece of literature while applying a variety of theoretical constructs, including, but not limited to: Old Criticism, New Criticism, Reader-Response, Feminism, Queer Theory, Psychoanalysis, New Historicism, Structuralism, Deconstruction, Cultural Materialism.

Define the following words: Episteme, ontological status, aporia, diachrony, synchrony, logocentrism, transcendental signified.

Understand the world, and the people in it, better because I dedicate myself to studying them through literature.

Write in my sleep.

Add and subtract without calculators (shocker!)

Suceed in a society that favors first level thinkers and men.

Understand that literature is not only a reflection of our society, but a powerful force that molds our minds, behavoirs and history.

Do whatever I want. I choose to major in English. I could have very easily taken a different road. In fact, in another life, I very nearly became a science major.

Most importantly, I understand the niceties of society and know (without a doubt) that my knowledge of literature will serve me much better than who-ever-that-kid-was-that-slammed-my-major's vast knowlegde of poli-sci. (I will also take this opportunity to mention that his shirt did not match his shorts and his breath smelt of pickled eel).

And if all else fails, I can take you out back and smack you with my degree.

That is all.

Oh yeah...And for those utilitarians out there that sadly believe that income is the sole goal of education, here is a small sampling of English majors who make a whole lot more money than you and I will ever see...


■James Cameron (director, editor, producer, screenwriter of “Titanic”)

■Mario Cuomo (former governor of New York)

■Matt Damon (actor, screenwriter)

■Michael Eisner (Walt Disney CEO)

■Harrison Ford (actor)

■Jodi Foster (actress, filmmaker)

■Kathryn Fuller (World Wildlife Fund CEO)

■A. Bartlett Giamatti (President, Yale University and Commissioner of Baseball)

■Stephen King (novelist)

■Conan O’Brien (talk show host, writer)

■Joe Paterno (football coach, Penn State)

■Christopher Reeve (actor, writer, director)

■Sally Ride (astronaut)

■Susan Sarandon (actress)

■Diane Sawyer (broadcast journalist)

■Paul Simon (songwriter, singer)

■Sting (singer, songwriter, musician, actor, environmental activist)

■Steven Spielberg (filmmaker)

■Brandon Tartikoff (television executive)

■Clarence Thomas (U.S. Supreme Court Justice)

■Emma Thompson (actress, producer, screenwriter)

■Harold Varmus (Nobel laureate in medicine, Director of National Institute of Health)

■Barbara Walters (broadcast journalist)

■Pete Wilson (former governor of California)

■Reese Witherspoon (actress)

■Renee Zellweger (actress)